Just What the Doctor Ordered...

This evening my mommy drove me to Terre Haute to visit my Grampy Newton. He has a boo-boo on his heart and I needed to kiss it and make it all better. Mommy wasn't very pleased with the fact that we were sharing a milkshake. For some reason she thinks a man in the hospital with heart problems shouldn't be eating this kind of crap! When it comes to spending time with his grand kids though, what Grampy wants, Grampy gets. Who am I to argue with him? It was a strawberry shake and strawberries are fruit... right?

Show Me: Does God Care About Pain & Suffering...

This was the title of the service we attended on Saturday evening. We almost didn't go... we were running late, pulled up to the entrance of the church and realized that even the greeters weren't there anymore. I ran a donation inside and motioned to Doug that they were still singing the worship songs... we still had a fraction of a minute to sneak in.

With it already being an emotional day, I knew that a break down was hovering somewhere just under the surface. My emotional levee, was hitting it presuppose and was about to flood. I swear, the message delivered this evening was written for me. I wept with all my heart by the time the service ended.

Our pastor, Steve Poe, delivered a very moving sermon on why there is pain and suffering in our world. Simply put, we live in a fallen world... this isn't heaven. There are no guarantees that bad things won't happen to good people. The big question is how we will respond when we are confronted with difficult things in our lives. And without hesitance our trust and our strength must be in God no matter what our trials.

He preached that there are benefits of difficult times. He mentioned three main points, but the one that resonated most with me was: To equip us. (2 Corinthians 1:4) He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.

I hate the fact, that I share the sorrow of losing a child with so many other women. Personally, I have countless friends and family members who are among a club, that no one wants a membership to. Each of these women are all beautiful, strong and loving individuals who do not deserve this degree of pain and suffering. We have shed tears together and listened to each other as our hearts broke, our dreams shattered and our bodies healed. They have all been such a support and comfort to me in my darkest hours. They have equipped me to do the same in return.

This will be my last post about our losses. I am referring back to an earlier post in February that I need to focus not on my loss, but what I still have. It has been empowering for me to share this chapter of my life with all of you as I continue my journey through motherhood. My babies, though never held in my arms, deserved to be mourned. Part of my healing process has been to be open about my miscarriages and not try to hide or mask my emotions. My journey is nowhere near over, but I know that our Lord is with me as my teacher and healer, reminding me THAT THIS TO SHALL PASS.

If you have suffered a loss, I highly recommend Grieving the Child I Never Knew by Kathe Wunnenberg. The daily devotionals and scriptures have been a source of reflection and comfort for me. Thank you Mindy for sharing this with me... I love you!

Happy Birthday Auntie Ju-Ju!!!

The Shaver Family

Carousel Fun

We spent Saturday morning with the Shavers at the Children's Museum in honor of Julie's "25th" birthday. It was fun to catch up and watch the kiddos play together. There are a lot of really great exhibits right now that we all enjoyed touring. Addie absolutely loves spending time with her cousins. We finished up our visit with a ride on the carousel... yippee!

Dragons and Dinosaurs Expedition...

First stop was LEGO Land castles exhibit.

Zach & Bria building a fortress to protect
King & Queen Lego from the dragon!

Addie was very excited to turn the corner and find more dragons!

Uncle Mike don't let the dragon eat me!

Learning all about dinosaurs... rrrrah!

Numbers...

Many of you know that I am NOT a numbers gal, even though I teach three rotations of math a day. Yes, I help our youth manipulate numbers to their simplest forms, multiply, divide, add and subtract, but for the life of me I can't remember a phone number, a pin number or a birth date for that matter! It really is quite embarrassing. However, there are certain numbers that I will never forget, because they are etched on my heart and are a part of my soul.

There are 365 days in a given calendar year. We mark special occasions and appointments on a calendar so we don't forget important dates. I religiously look at my calendar weekly, if not daily, so I don't forget anything of significance. There are a lot of significant dates however, that you will not find marked on my calendar.

Tomorrow, 03-28-09 is one of them. Tomorrow would have been my due date for our baby that we lost on 08-13-08... coincidental this date was also the due date in -09 for the baby we lost most recently on 02-18-09. I already can feel that tomorrow will be one of those days that no matter how great things go, I will feel empty and my heart will ache for a loss that I will mourn every 03-28. The first anniversary is always especially hard, because your emotions are still so raw. I looked so forward to being pregnant and having another baby along with many of my friends who have delivered this month. There is a part of me that knows I should be holding a new little one in my arms along with them. Becoming pregnant again in November, made this blow a little more tolerable. Regrettably, I know I will feel this way again come 08-13.

I had two miscarriages before I had Addie. Even big and pregnant with Addie, I found myself crying on 02-11-06 for the loss of our first child. As the dates for those losses come and go each year, it does get easier. I don't think about these children and the dreams that were lost on a daily basis... just once or twice a year, on their special days.

Even amongst all of our personal loss I can't help, but think that we have the child we were meant to have and to hold. If the two miscarriages didn't occur, than we wouldn't have Addie and that is inconceivable to me. 08-04-06, Addie's birth date, is one of the most significant arrangements of numbers in my life. This date will forever be marked on my calendar as a blessed and beautiful day.

Toyland...

When it comes to kids who can entertain themselves, Addie is a pro! Everyday as I make dinner she will entertain herself with playdoh, painting, putting puzzles together... whatever it is she is content for a good 30-45 minutes. I don't even really have to worry about messes. (I know, I know, I need to pinch myself and knock on wood!) Today she was so cute playing with all of her ponies and princesses, I couldn't resist making her take a break to say, "CHEESE" for me. She was getting ready to take them on a ride around round the house in her red car... wroom, wroom!

Feed the Birds...

The newest addition to our backyard garden.
Addie was excited to feed the birdies!

Mommy's biggie helper

Addie has been saying she wants birdies just like at Nana and Grampy's house. She enjoys helping them fill their bird feeders and watch the birds out of their big kitchen window. Today was so nice, we decided to make a welcoming gesture to our feathered friends who are returning for the spring. Doug bought us new bird feeders, a Shepard's hook and seed mix for our little afternoon project. We are excited to see what birds show up to help us enjoy our ever expanding wild flower garden in the back yard. Tweet, tweet!

My New Ride...

Most of you know that I am proud to call myself a mother and cherish my "mom mobile." (Don't cringe Kathy McCloy!) I love the convenience of my mini van with it's smooth operating automatic doors, stow and go hiddy holes for groceries and room for the whole family + our 4-legged friend Tucker. It's great for traveling with all of the room for luggage and with the DVD player to entertain the little one. (It even has a remote control!) I could go on and on, but I'm never going to convince anyone that a mini van is stylish or cool. But seriously, any mother without one, doesn't know what she's missing!

Well, what I lack in automobile style, I make up for in stroller style. Welcome to my latest purchase... the City Elite! I couldn't wait for the box to arrive on my front porch from UPS. Now when I cruise through the neighborhood heads turn and women foam at the mouth crazy with envy. I hear people whisper "Who's That Lady?" It is a sweet ride, that is ridiculously overpriced, but worth every single penny. I figure this is much cheaper than any vehicle purchase Doug will make during a midlife crisis later in life, so he can deal with it. I love, love, love this stroller! Just thinking about it makes me tingly!

What Are They Thinking???

White Lace Leggins???
One Shouldered Leotard Tops???

I literally laughed out loud in Target today... I mean COME ON! Are they serious? I feel as if I've entered a warp zone on the original Super Mario Bros. game. These articles of clothing were hideous in the 80's, why oh why, are they reappearing in today's fashion world. There is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING attractive about these outfits, let alone comfortable. I swear, if any of you reading this blog feel so inclined to EVER wear these fashion travesties other than on October 31st, dressed as a member of Gem and the Holograms, I will have to call the fashion police of What Not to Wear, Stacy and Clinton, and have an intervention! This is such a sad day in the world of fashion.

On a musical note... If Debbie Gibson or Tiffany make a comeback in the near future, I'm sorry folks, but I'm afraid it's the beginning of the end for all of us.

Hope...

Romans 5:2-4
2And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. 3Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4perseverance, character; and character, hope.

My friend Wendy, passed me in the hallway last week at work and told me to look up this passage in the Bible... I have read it every day since. I find comfort and "hope" in these few simple lines.

Ahh, Warmer Weather...

I absolutely love that we have had a break from the dreary cold weather of winter. I am convinced that playing outside in the fresh air is good for the soul.... deep breath in... AHHH!!!

Numers, Numers, We LOVE Suckers!

Cheers friend!

Later in life we will do this with dirty martinis,

instead of tootsie-roll pops!

Friendship is Oh-So-Sweet!

Biker Babes...

The Twins Turn Two!!!

Amy and Scott hosted a fun, fun, fun family night for all of us to celebrate Emily & Claire's 2nd birthday. It was kid's central with good times galore! Who would ever think that an early March party would find us all playing outside... what a gorgeous evening!
Addie could hardly stand waiting for the "NEMO" party to start!
Pinata F-U-N!
1-2-3 PULL!!!

Candy, Candy, CandyJungle Gym Swing Time

Bubbles... Get'em girls!

I Heart Tappy!

For those of you who don't know my friend Tappy, (Sarah Tappendorf) she is one always full of fun surprises. I went to my mailbox today and lo-and-behold there was my container of extra creamy, yum, yum, yummy cole slaw. You make me smile woman!

Why Ask Why?

When heartbreak happens again, and yet again, it's easy to fall into the habit of asking, "Why?"

- Why me God?

- Why again?

- Why can't we have another baby?

- Why can't Addie be a big sister?

- Why can't the tears stop falling?

If you ask the question enough, He will give you an answer. I may be down-n-out in the baby-makin' department, but my cup runnith over when it comes to being surrounded by caring, compassionate people on a daily basis. I am lucky enough to call the majority of my co-workers dear friends and each of them made a very hard day, much easier than I expected.

Today was my first day back at work in 3 weeks. I was giving myself a real honest to goodness "Rah-rah, you can do it Angie" pep talk pulling into the parking lot and walking up to the school. I swung the doors open and literally the flood gates opened up and ol' water-works lost it. In for the rescue came Lauri with a hug, an open ear and a Starbucks green tea. Lauri listened to me babble endlessly, and all with a smile on her face, knowing I just needed to talk myself through it one more time, before the first bell rang and my kiddos headed to class. And it didn't stop at Lauri this morning. Throughout the day I received hugs and welcome backs from the same people who have baked for us, sent cards and flowers to our home, and surrounded our family with their prayers and well wishes.

Tonight Sarah phoned me and told me that I had a surprise in the mailbox. I'll be honest, I ran out in the freezing cold, half expecting to find a container of cole slaw... she makes the best dang cole slaw and knows it always makes my day! But to my surprise I found an awesome package from a group of teachers I used to run/train with, gifting me with a day spa gift card. Literally, I was floored. I ran back into the house and turned to Doug, tearing up again... he and I talked and realized that sometimes when you feel the lowest is when you realize how blessed we are to be surrounded by friends who will lift you up.

Thank you to all of you for being such a great support system. I can only hope that I am as good a friend to all of you as you have been to me. I am forever grateful for having each of you in my life!