Numbers...

Many of you know that I am NOT a numbers gal, even though I teach three rotations of math a day. Yes, I help our youth manipulate numbers to their simplest forms, multiply, divide, add and subtract, but for the life of me I can't remember a phone number, a pin number or a birth date for that matter! It really is quite embarrassing. However, there are certain numbers that I will never forget, because they are etched on my heart and are a part of my soul.

There are 365 days in a given calendar year. We mark special occasions and appointments on a calendar so we don't forget important dates. I religiously look at my calendar weekly, if not daily, so I don't forget anything of significance. There are a lot of significant dates however, that you will not find marked on my calendar.

Tomorrow, 03-28-09 is one of them. Tomorrow would have been my due date for our baby that we lost on 08-13-08... coincidental this date was also the due date in -09 for the baby we lost most recently on 02-18-09. I already can feel that tomorrow will be one of those days that no matter how great things go, I will feel empty and my heart will ache for a loss that I will mourn every 03-28. The first anniversary is always especially hard, because your emotions are still so raw. I looked so forward to being pregnant and having another baby along with many of my friends who have delivered this month. There is a part of me that knows I should be holding a new little one in my arms along with them. Becoming pregnant again in November, made this blow a little more tolerable. Regrettably, I know I will feel this way again come 08-13.

I had two miscarriages before I had Addie. Even big and pregnant with Addie, I found myself crying on 02-11-06 for the loss of our first child. As the dates for those losses come and go each year, it does get easier. I don't think about these children and the dreams that were lost on a daily basis... just once or twice a year, on their special days.

Even amongst all of our personal loss I can't help, but think that we have the child we were meant to have and to hold. If the two miscarriages didn't occur, than we wouldn't have Addie and that is inconceivable to me. 08-04-06, Addie's birth date, is one of the most significant arrangements of numbers in my life. This date will forever be marked on my calendar as a blessed and beautiful day.